Contentment vs. Complacency
My kids are grown up, now what do I do?
I have recently been asked to examine my personal life in every capacity, simply by the passing of time. From learning I was to be a mother 21 years ago to watching my children become adults all of a sudden, where do I go from here?
Raising my kids for the past two decades, I somehow did not anticipate that they would both leave home the same summer. But here we are. One married at 20, one exploring adulthood and independence at 18.
What is my role now? Am I out of a job?
What is contentment with my circumstances, and what is complacency?
The danger lies in not knowing the difference between the two.
Let’s explore the two and decide.
First Contentment. The word itself is calming, because the desire of every heart and soul is to be content in some capacity or another. Webster’s Dictionary defines contentment as:
“noun: 1: the quality or state of being contented. 2: something that contents.”
Not super helpful, so let’s get the definition of contented to further define contentment.
Contented: “adjective: feeling or showing satisfaction with one’s possessions, status or situation” ex: a contented smile/ they lived a contented life”.
Okay, now we are getting somewhere. Feeling or showing satisfaction with one’s possessions, status, or situation.
Now to define Complacency. It already doesn’t sound like a good thing.
Complacency: “noun: 1: self-satisfaction especially when accompanied by unawareness of actual dangers or deficiencies. 2: an instance of usually unaware or uninformed self-satisfaction”.
Complacent: “adjective: 1: marked by self-satisfaction especially when accompanied by unawareness of actual dangers or deficiencies. 2: complaisant: marked by an inclination to please or oblige; tending to consent to others’ wishes. 3: unconcerned.”
I find myself discontent with the above, so let’s explore breaking this down. 😉 Content(ed) is defining a state of being- feeling or showing satisfaction with one’s possessions, status or situation. Okay, and within that feeling or showing- one can be expected to have a reasoning behind the feeling or expression of contentment. An explanation as to why one feels that way. This makes sense.
Complacency also defines a state of being- of being self-satisfied with a situation that is actually not safe or adequate… almost implying ignorance whether intentional or inherent. The complacent person, it would seem, is unable to reason or explain their feeling of self-satisfaction in a situation (or perhaps does not care to- hence the 3rd definition of “unconcerned”). They cannot claim contentment because they have not determined “why”.
Now, excepting for definition #2- Complaisant: marked by an inclination to please or oblige; tending to other’s wishes. This implies deference to self, not self-satisfaction, and seems a significantly different application of the adjective.
What is the takeaway from this?
A content person cannot be complacent. A content person is aware of their situation, their possessions, their status. They are fully aware.
A complacent or complaisant person is, to some degree or another, unaware (whether by inability or unwillingness to evaluate and become aware) of their situation, despite the dangers or deficiencies that it holds.
Now to share why this is important to me- and perhaps to you- if you are a mother or a wife or a partner in a relationship that involves your every day, your every moment. Okay, this applies to fathers too- I am just speaking from a female perspective, so bear with me. 😊
Philippians 4:11, NIV, says, “I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.”
I wrestle hard with this verse. Life is hard. Relationships are challenging. There are many moments and activities in my daily life that I am “not okay with” or want to change. “Why are the kids gone so soon?” “Did I do/say enough?” “Will they be okay?” “Will I be okay?” So how can I be content? If I stop wrestling with these things I will “just be complacent” and that cannot be good. It would be lying down on the job, and “giving in” to circumstances that I don’t like or cannot effect.
But I realize through exploring the definitions of these words, that that is not true. Or does not have to be true.
If I close my eyes to the parts of my life as a mom or partner or friend that I do not like and are bad for me, dangerous to my health or the health of my children and their futures, then – indeed!- I am choosing complacency.
But if I look at each situation with open eyes, with honest perspective- owning the truth of the circumstances- and CHOOSE to take a deep breath and carry on, to choose to feel satisfied with what I am doing- that I am doing my best, or are watching and being supportive of a situation while accepting that it is out of my control, then and only then am I choosing contentment and will experience a feeling of being content.
I can be content in the circumstances, and despite the circumstances, if I am aware of them.
I can only be complacent in the circumstances if I ignore the facts or are unable to see the situation for what it is.
Contentment does not mean “lack of action”. It means “I know what surrounds me, and I am okay.”.
This is the goal.
This is what will get me through it. Not fighting change. Not ignoring problems. Not pretending everything is okay when I open my children’s bedroom doors and they are no longer there, but I do not want to replace the furniture and pull down their posters and childish decorations yet. But looking at the situation for what it is, owning that I did my job, I raised my kids, and they are voluntarily and happily on their own as young adults and therefore I have succeeded!
I can be content with this. I can look at the rest of the situation and choose to continue to go forward, aware and knowing that there is more to do. The role just changes. I am still their mom and always will be.
I will be content whatever my circumstances. I am learning. Complacency is not an option.
I hope that this helps someone else. Share with someone if it helped you today.
Blessings, Jess
Motherhood is an adventure, this is why I am here
So I didn’t know what would happen when I turned the page of mom to mom-of-adult-children. I bet there are other moms out there like me.
I am here to create a space to share, to think and explore what our roles are now that our kids are out of the house.
And to share with moms who have this in their near future- they can see it coming but are not ready for the change.
Maybe I can help soften the blow and ease the transition.
MOYA
MOYA- Mothers Of Young Adults
Many moms have heard of or participated in MOPS- Mothers Of Pre-Schoolers. This is a great support program for moms as they navigate the challenges of the early years of childrearing.
But who’s ever heard of MOYA? I haven’t. Wait, yes, I have- I just made it up. And I think it is needed! What do you think? Let’s make this a real thing, tell me what you think- would a group of MOYA’s in your town be helpful on your journey?
Not a professional, yet.
Looking at motherhood through the lens of 2 decades of experience, I am still new on my journey and look forward to decades more of mothering as my role changes. Thanks for joining me. Let’s see what comes next!
The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way,
Where many paths and errands meet.
-JRR Tolkien, The Hobbit
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